Funky

I feel funky and not in the good way like in “get down, party out” (lame I know) kind of funky. It’s more like I feel in a “FUNK”. A dark, nasty, stinky place.

It’s been increasing in intensity since before Christmas and I’m still struggling with it. This past week has been really bad, likely being hammered on by PMS has made things worse, but still… It’s killing me. I don’t feel like myself at all.

I feel… disconnected, like I can’t really engage with anyone and though I have to, it’s a struggle. I want to sleep ALL the time. If I sit down at any time during the day, I will nod off. So I drag myself through the day THINKING about sleep the whole time. Or thinking about eating all the stuff I shouldn’t and don’t want to be eating because I’m looking for the energy boost that I hope food will give me. Most of the time I can resist it, but when it’s 3 pm and I seriously feel like I’m going to fall over, sometimes I cave and snack (which I almost immediately regret) and though I feel a slight increase in my energy, it’s rarely enough to really help.

I feel like I’m in a perpetual fog and life seems … muted and grating all at the same time. I don’t feel sick, though I certainly was a couple of weeks ago and various viruses have hit our house lately. I feel lost, depressed, out of it. I’m in a cycle of self-loathing and guilt and regret about many things that I just can’t shake. I want to climb into a cave and hide for a while. We’ve got lots of things to look forward to, and I can’t seem to get fired up about any of it.

Yesterday afternoon all I could think about was sitting down and sleeping and I said to Hubster “I don’t know what’s wrong with me!?”.

This morning, there is no school as its’ MLK day. The girls and I are sitting around in our pj’s taking our time this morning, mostly because I can’t get started. Hubster has the car because his carpool driver has the day off so we have no plans to go out today. I’m letting the girls watch more tv than I usually do in the morning and surfing around the net reading blogs.

Someone mentioned Season Affective Disorder and though I also think I’m working through some other issues, I do think this might have a lot to do with what’s going on right now and considering it got really bad right before Christmas when winter really started to set in, it makes sense.

I don’t really know what to do about it. I may try to get in to see a doctor to see what they have to say and maybe it’s time for me to get myself into some therapy sessions as well. I feel locked in my head lately and I know I’m not a very good wife, mother or anything else right now. And haven’t been for a while.

One of those great things we have to look forward to, that I’m sort of plodding towards, is a trip to sunny Florida in a couple of weeks. I’m hoping that the weather is nice enough that I can really get into some bright light (without breaking out into one of those nasty sun rashes I get) and maybe start shaking this nastiness.

However, right now, we need to get dressed, there are beds to make, laundry to do, stuff to put away, kids to entertain and a sticky floor to wash. So I’d better drag my butt off this chair and get crackin’.