Rules of Engagement

I was hanging out with a friend recently and we were talking about our kids, as we usually do. I forget what exactly we were talking about but she said something that struck me to the core. She said “Sometimes I do things with the kids, like outings, where I can just be a supervisor but not have to engage with them”.

I instantly realized that I have done this a lot this summer, particularly with Mouse. That “guilty baaaad mother” sinking feeling started snaking its’ way into my heart. I felt kind of sick when I realized this.

The truth is; I have a hard time relating to Mouse sometimes. We can often be at opposite spectrums and can’t seem to find a middle ground. When I’m trying to engage, she’s not receptive at all. Or, she’s seems to really need me when I’m crabby, busy etc.

Lately, she’s been kind of over the top obnoxious, in that silly, crazy potty-talking kid kind of way. I can see that this is a multifaceted issue. I know that this is a phase that most kids go through, but a part of it, is because she’s trying to deal with all the changes that are coming up. She’s excited about kindergarten, but it’s a bit of an unknown and that stresses her out a bit and this is how it manifests. Another part is that she’s acting out to get our/my attention. She’s screaming LOOK AT ME! And generally we do, to tell her to settle down etc. And I always feel really bad after that. It’s a classic example of the “negative attention cycle”.

Another facet is that she rarely gets Mommy to herself. There’s been a lot of competition for Mommy this summer, with us being so insanely busy lately, she just doesn’t get one on one time with me. It’s doesn’t help that Baboo wants to do everything she does, and is hard to be distracted with other things. And though I do protect Mouse’s right to do big 5 year old girl things by herself, if I’m the only one here, I do have to keep an eye on Baboo too. She doesn't get my undivided attention. I know that’s hard.

And just adds to my guilt.

The thing is, she’s rarely “bad”, annoying yes, bad, rarely. She doesn’t really get into things she’s not supposed to. She generally listens when we talk to her or ask her to do something. She can be kind of mean to her sister, but not in an overly aggressive way. They’re 5 and 2, and I expect this.

She’s smart and charming and funny and so beautiful she takes my breath away. She wants to BE WITH ME. Constantly. She needs to be reassured, complimented, noticed and encouraged. A lot. And considering I’m a person who likes a little bit of personal space, physical and mental, sometimes I find that overwhelming.

Huh. I just realized that about myself.

Communication is a big thing, or rather our method of communication. I’m often in “Mom-mode” directing, correcting, explaining, praising, requesting etc. While we do talk, we don’t often get a chance to “converse”. She can be hard to actually talk to and I admit that I do tune a lot of stuff out. She often talks “at me” but not “to” me and like a kid, there’s a lot of whining and tattling, and there’s a lot of silly talk and repetition because she really like the power that comes with making people laugh, and so she’ll keep doing or saying something (often with potty talk, everything’s funnier with “poopy” attached to it) and cracking herself up. There’s only so much of that kind of thing that my brain can take before it shuts down.

And I also know that a part of our communication issues is that Mouse is copying the babyish way that Baboo communicates to get attention because she does see that, to a degree, it works for Baboo. However, although I *know* this is what she’s doing, I tend to withdraw a bit further to not respond to that kind of communication at all.

Anyway, I guess I have a hard time relating to her and finding a place where we can both meet up and connect in a way that works. This makes me feeling like I’m failing her in a big way. I want her to feel that she’s getting what she needs, but I think I deserve not to be constantly railroaded.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

The thing is, I know she’s not getting any younger and neither am I. While I don’t feel like we’re so off track that we can’t get back on, I know that our tracks aren’t meeting up in a useful way right now. I want us to have a solid communication foundation in place before we get into the preteen years. I want her to KNOW that I’m always here for her. I want her to: feel confident, important, respected and be respectful, heard and understood. I need to try harder and I’ve already started. I’m going to plan a Mouse-parent only outing once or twice a month. She loves doing special things with just one of us, but Hubster has been the one doing the fun stuff lately, not me. So next weekend she and I are going to a movie and then out to lunch. She’s excited that it’s just going to be her and I, and I’m happy that she’s looking forward to it. I am too.

This summer has been interesting. We’ve had a lot going on and we’re all moving to the next “level”. Baboo is most definitely NOT a baby anymore, Hubster and I are trying to get to the next level in our marriage, I’m trying to define my place in this world and Mouse is moving from little kid to big kid at a very fast pace. This year seems so important and I feel as though I have a lot of work to do still. The step from kindergarten to grade 1 seems so big. I know, I’ll have to let go of her a lot more. I want her to be ready. I want to be ready. I’m scared and nervous, excited and holding my breath.