Wiped

No, I have not found my keys yet. I remain minutely hopeful that they’ll turn up, but I’m not holding my breath. I don’t want to pass out.

I’ve mentioned a little too often lately how tired I am, and not just tired. Wiped. Out.

Things have been very busy for the past few months and though I hoped this summer would give me a bit of a reprieve, it has not. In fact, things have intensified.

As of this writing, its’ 9:47 pm. I have been awake and “Mom” since 6:24 am. Baboo has not napped and yet has been out of bed 10 times in the last 1.5 hours. Though I did have adult conversation today for a few hours during a play date, it felt a bit like I was “entertaining” and so feel that I have had no time to myself. I feel like I’m going to snap if I hear those adorable little feet get out of bed one more time to go potty/yell that she’s scared/or ask for help to find “Tweet-hawt” the little stuff dog who fell off the bed for the 100th time. Yes, Hubster is helping out to get her settled, but the point is, I can still hear it. I can’t SHUT OFF.

The girls are at a very busy stage right now. They want to explore and be with their friends and be stimulated and go, go, go. I want to encourage this, to a degree. Baboo rarely naps and if she does, bedtime is screwed for hours. Though Mouse will go to bed without too many issues, she does very little by herself during the day and requires very frequent direction/redirection/interaction/reassurance.

I feel like a cruise director trying to keep the girls busy, but encouraging them to play by themselves to a degree. But it still requires me to monitor thing; after all, Baboo is only 2. And she’s still potty training so that does require a certain level of constant awareness and attention. I’m having a hard time finding any kind of rhythm that doesn’t feel frantic.

And in between this, I’m trying to squeeze in meals, a bit of cleaning/laundry – even enough just to try to keep it from taking over, errands, email when I can. Phone calls are a luxury that are often jilted, interrupted conversations that make me feel like I’m losing my mind because I can’t seem to finish a thought.

Lately, its’ 9:30 by the time everyone’s in bed and SETTLED, despite starting bedtime at 7 pm. I’m so FRIED by then. I have projects I want/need to work on and can’t find the time or energy to get them done. I often just flake in front of the tv for an hour (and even that feels too late) and stumble off to bed for too few hours of interrupted sleep. There is very little time for “ME” where I’m not left feeling guilty because something or someone is being neglected/inconvenienced. I know I can’t make everyone happy all the time, and I’m not trying to, but lately, I don’t feel like anyone’s needs are being met in even a close to satisfactory manner. I know that part of this incompetent frame of mind is because I’m just plain tired.

I stopped going to therapy because I can’t seem to get the timing right and frankly, I’m resenting the time spent there. I feel like I’d rather do something more constructive with my time. I’ve been feeling “done” with it, and maybe this is what “done” feels like.

I’m having a lot of mixed feelings: guilt, resentment, anger, sadness about not being able to fully embrace this time with my girls. This is the last summer before we’re into full time school and life will change permanently then. I’m trying to keep up with what seems like a frantic pace, trying to stayed charged and ready to go and yes, we are having fun and I am enjoying it, but god help me, I am tired.

If this is the new pace of our lives, which seems to be going just so damn fast, I need to get into the game and find a way to function more efficiently because I’m going to get dragged behind this fast running horse and it’s going to be messy.

And now, it’s late because I’ve spent way too long bitching about how tired I am (wah, wah, wah. Poor me. Snort) instead of getting my snarky, cranky, over-tired self to bed. And tomorrow is another day full of busy possibilities which I must be ready for.